But Still Lame: Broken at the King’s Table

Hi, this is me, Aderkee!

When I was little I made some dangerous prayers, without the knowledge necessary to understand and know what I was praying, but with the right heart to do it, I guess.

I grew up in a home where the love language was violence, the “I love you’s” were said with hurtful words, and the hugs were given with a belt in hand. Due to the violence, I grew up being shy, afraid to do anything, I never had anything to say. Rejection was my daily meal; fear, my best friend; sadness, my confidence; screaming and violence the language I spoke.

Rejection is the biggest and hardest battle I face every day of my life, with every person, in every circumstance.

One day, when I was around 13 years old, I made this prayer: “God, if I had to live the rest of my life feeling this way, I’m willing to do it; if you decide not to take away this pain, still I’m gonna love you forever.”

I didn’t know what I was saying, but I said it, and while doing it I cried and wept tears of fear and anguish just thinking about living forever with that pain in my heart.

Every time I think of the day I made that prayer I ask myself if I’m still willing to love Him even if He never takes away that pain. My answer is yes, and I cry every time I tell Him that I choose Him above all.

In 2 Samuel 9, is told the story of Mephibosheth, son of Jonathan, grandson of Saul. When kid he broke his ankles and now he is lame, he couldn’t walk. He was living in the town Lo Debar, a place of non communication. Without the ability to speak or walk.

The king David ordains to bring Mephibosheth to the palace and gives him back all the possessions that his grandfather, Saul, had. The king invites him to sit at his table for the rest of his life; the king invites him to be part of the royalty. People are giving to him to be at his service and now he would be like one of the sons of the king.

Mephibosheth knew he was like a dead dog, unworthy of such a gift. But he decided to receive it and be, now, like one of the sons of the king. From that day on, he lived in Jerusalem and sat at the table of the king, but still lame.

I have decided to live in the Kingdom and sit at the table of my King, even with the pain of rejection. I have decided to love Him without using the excuse of my pain. And my King feeds me, He provides for everything I need, and more.

I don’t want to live with the pain of rejection forever, but if my King decides not to take it away, I decide to love Him because when I was like a dead dog, without any worth, He asked about me and went to rescue me; and brought me to His house, a house with lots and lots of rooms; now I can sit at His table, a table with lots and lots of food; knowing that He chose me and loved me and made me part of His family.

He’s sovereign and He does what He wants. I know that His plans and ways are better than mine, and I might not understand yet and maybe never will, but if this pain stays with me for the rest of my life, I will not complain. Today I pray the same prayer I made when I was little. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want this pain, I know my King is more than capable to restore everything, but even if He doesn’t…

With all my brokenness I’m part of His family and His love is all I want. And I want to love Him as much as I can.